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Snooping Email for Fun and Profit

Full Description

A lack of information can kill. Or more specifically, if you don't get the information you want, someone will die. The distinction isn't obvious to the untrained eye, but it soon will be, to whichever eye you've allowed to remain.

Email is the communications medium of choice for the twenty-first century. Who knows why? No-one seems to have told people that using the phone is much better if you want to send messages of love, details of hostile takeovers or URLs of dodgy sites full of free porn. That's because you're out there. No-one knows it, but you've got your finger in every pie that's being sliced.

From your little enclave (you've already put in a request for larger offices, which apparently originated as a recommendation from the outgoing personnel manager, naturally) you have stretched forth your hand and done a great big grep of the spool. With your brains and the amount of sensitive information going across the wires there's really no limit to what you can achieve.

Snooping email has rewards all of its own. You can exchange attachments of 2Mb PowerPoint presentations for much less wasteful mpeg movies of someone willingly being violated with a bicyle pump. You can find out that someone one floor down sends emails to made up addresses ranting for page after horrifying page with flow-of-consiousness maddened ramblings about how one day he'll really show them, then they'll give him the new desk he's had turned down nineteen times, they'll be sorry, all of them. About the affair the boss is having with the tea boy, and why she always has biscuits crumbs on her chair.

You can circulate internal memos advising of new policies from lusers who've annoyed you too often, allowing you to watch pogroms in action. Trace orders for toilet rolls for the board room facilities and change them for the tracing paper type you used to have at school. You know, the stuff that smears, rather than wiping and absorbing.

He who controls the email, controls the institution. Your will be done. Your life be made better, too, if you know what you're doing. Logging is a much overlooked part of the job of a postmaster. Backing up to hardcopy emails you're certain the boss would prefer wouldn't be seen by everyone is a helpful thing you can do. Take those emails, circle the bits you're sure they wouldn't want anyone else to read and post a few of them from an external post office back to the boss. Try to remember to include your correct sort code and account number for the account in Switzerland registered under Mr B. Lackmail and a requested donation size.

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