******************************************************************** * __ __ _ __ __ * * \ \ / /__| |__ \ \ / /_ _ _ __ ___(TM)_ * * \ \ /\ / / _ \ '_ \ \ \ /\ / / _` | '__/ __| (_) * * \ V V / __/ |_) | \ V V / (_| | | \__ \ _ * * \_/\_/ \___|_.__/ \_/\_/ \__,_|_| |___/ (_) * * * * VOYAGER * * * * When Unicorn and Pogo are stranded, removed from TCZ web space * * they begin the long journey to the final Frontier(s) * ******************************************************************** ,-------------------------------------------------------------. | A stunningly hackneyed attempt at a sequel to the fantastic | | | | Admin Wars(TM) | `-------------------------------------------------------------' Written and Directed by Rincewind T. Wizzard A Two Peneth Worth Production for Wizzard Enterprises (C) 1996 ============================================================== Written and directed by Rincewind T. Wizzard In association with Phoenocorn and TCZ Users Co. "Again we see the versatlity of this author" The Guardian "He's certainly pulled it off again!" The Times "If I'm ejected from Uni for laughing by my Professor it'll be your fault" Sebastian "Well it could be funnier in places but it's a start :)" Daftsod -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- TITLE: Web Wars: Voyager (Charting the uncoded Frontier) PLOT: After being ejected from TCZ Federation web space Unicorn and Pogo find they must band together and begin the long journey to find their Frontiers and a safe web space to live out the rest of their days in peace... [FX: Wibbly-thing you do with the screen to indicate we're going back in time] [SCENE: On board the USS Frontiers, 5 months ago] UNICORN: Ex-admin's log, stardate 17:06:96. It seems that we have been forcibly ejected from the Federation at great speed with no ideas as the the direction we are headed, all I can hope is that we don't manage to actually find our way back! POGO/PHOENIX: Hunny, we seem to have been ejected from the TCZ Federation web space. UNICORN: I know, didn't you just here my heroic monologue? The question is what do we do? Do we try to make our way back, or search out the new Frontiers? POGO/PHOENIX: I'm all for leaving the past behind, but making sure all the sentient (and not so sentient) life-forms we encounter know our side of the story! UNICORN: You mean we should launch a log of our adventures to date to show people who pass this way in the years to come where we came from and where we are headed? POGO/PHOENIX: Exactly, we can show them the pathway to paradise... [CUE: Led Zepplin's "Stairway to Heaven" in the background] UNICORN: Will someone turn that damned music DOWN? God, it's not like we're in some film or something. POGO/PHOENIX: Sorry, I thought it added to the ambience of the situation. UNICORN: Well it didn't. [SCENE: The TCZ Federation] SEBASTIAN: So, we've lost contact have we? That's no great loss as far as I can see, break out the champagne! DAFTSOD: Nope, let's just hope that's the last of them. You have no idea the kind of shit I had to go through during the Admin Wars. I was cast as the hero and it really didn't sit with me. I wish I'd been a little more rough and rugged, and mean. I like mean. SEBASTIAN: Just so long as they stay gone. I, on the other hand, was the older mentor-like character who looks cool in shades and saves the day. SCARLETT: (In floods of tears) I just get so, so, EMOTIONAL when it comes to things like this! CRAFTY: I'm tired, maybe I'll log off and come back later. SCARLETT: (Dumps 'logs' on the floor) And another thing, I'm pissed off with having to carry around these logs; it's hell having to keep putting my socks back on. [NOTE: This is a reference to 'The Scarlett Letter' avaliable from all good book stores priced $1.99, or mail-order Unicorn for the 'edited' version] ALL ADMIN: Wait Scarlett, keep on fighting! To QUIT is to give up and log out, and we all know there's nothing in the Real World(TM) that is more serious that the Federation. SCARLETT: No, my mind is made up. SEBASTIAN: Bummer dude. God, I'm great at this laid back approach aren't I? AXEL: If you were any more laid back we could rest our drinks on you. [Time passes, empires rise and fall, continents zip back and forth like cavorting seahorses (i.e. a lot of things happen in the intermediate] [SCENE: USS Frontiers, present day] UNICORN: Look, a photo-gravametric subspace disorder is colliding with a temporal phenomenon! [CUE Muppets: Doo dooooo, de do-doo] UNICORN: Phenomenon! [Muppets: Doo dooooo de-do] UNICORN: Pheno... bollocks this is getting neither us or the plot anywhere. POGO/PHOENIX: Enough of the Star Trek: Voyager plots anyway we all know they're full of enough holes big enough to drive a bus through anyway. UNICORN: But I model myself on Janeway; forthright, assured, feminine... POGO/PHOENIX: Enough, it's time to tell the beings out there that they can join us in the exploration of the Frontiers. UNICORN: Yes, as soon as I write it. I'm doing it from scratch you know, no help or anything. AUDIENCE: Woooo! UNICORN: Sarky! AUDIENCE: Bite me! [SCENE: The UglyMUG Empire] UNICORN/HORSE: I come in peace. I wish to negotiate a parly with you. I have some interesting proposals for you I think. RINCEWIND: Do tell? DUNK: This should be interesting *yawn*. UNICORN/HORSE: I plan to bring the TCZ Federation to ITS KNEES (clenched fist) before the month is out with my reprisal attack on my ejection from the Fedartation. The attack will be lauched from my homepages. MUTLEY: Joy. UNICORN/HORSE: Are you not as excited as me, this is a time for great rejoicing. RINCEWIND: No, we're extatic really we are, honest. [UNICORN/HORSE has disconnected from the final Frontiers] MUTLEY: Weener. DUNK: You said it, what a plonker. RINCEWIND: This gives me an idea... [SCENE: TCZ Federation] ANON ADMIN: Sir, we're getting reports on activity in the Badlands, looks like trouble, sir. SEBASTIAN: (Leaping into transporter tube athletically) I'll take a look! [Hours later, the time it takes to read a fraction of Unicorn's pages] SEBASTIAN: MmmMmMmMm MMmhaMMMMm hahahahahahahaha! I'm sorry I can't stop. It's just so twisted and funny. DAFTSOD: What is? SEBASTIAN: I entered web space and travelled until I reached the final Frontier and there I found a growing list of pages detailing minutes of our meetings, and reasons for all of our major command decisions. But, and wait for it, given a humerously twisted and biased slant! ALL ADMIN: Cool, we'll go there directly. KAIN: Don't forget to take some popcorn! GINGE: Erm, anything detailing me is all false, I mean true, I mean, erm, erm. Forget I spoke O.K.? [SCENE: USS Frontiers] UNICORN: See as they lap up my lies like sugared sugary things, they are eager to learn the truth. POGO/PHOENIX: Yes dear. UNICORN: The flame of truth burns brightly in my eyes and all can see it as it rises, drawing me towards apothesis!!!! [Unicorn begins to drool slightly] UNICORN: I am the most powerful coder in the world, none will be able to resist joining my creation on the Frontier when it is completed, I will be Supreme Manager once again, as I was in the Federation! [The twitch under the eye starts] UNICORN: I WILL BE REVENGED!! POGO/PHOENIX: Yes dear. Do you want Miss Needle to show you happy time again? [His tongue starts to lol out about now too] UNICORN: (Nodding head) Uh-huh, uh-huh! [SCENE: TCZ Federation} SEBASTIAN: What are we going to do about this very real threat to our borders? We may have to put up defence pages to stop incoming bad vibes by users. We can't be seen in this light it's, it's just not nice! DAFTSOD: Defence pages activated, sir, and the power is increasing as each of us adds their views to the the list. SEBASTIAN: We still miss the vital component to seal the breach in our defences though... ALL ADMIN: What is it? SEBASTIAN: Rincewind's 'Admin Wars(TM)', without that our cause is doomed to failure and Unicorn will triumph over all. DAFTSOD: (To Druid) Get me Rincewind on subspace Gold Channel, now! [Seconds later] DRUID: He's on sir. RINCEWIND: Yes, what is it, can't you see I'm busy with running an Empire here? Do you think it runs by itself, eh, eh? You have no idea the kind or problems we have; trying to respond to users when we can't blame lag for anything... DAFTSOD: We need your 'Admin Wars(TM)' account to stop the advance of Unicorn's foul and actually rather overdone and point labouring pages, will you help us? RINCEWIND: Well of course, but you should know that Unicorn already has a copy with the express wish of using it to show how funny what YOU did to him really was. SEBASTIAN: Playing both sides against the middle eh? RINCEWIND: And why not? I'm from the UglyMUG Empire, we have no interest in your petty, childish and above all far too seriously taken power squabbles. I love it when a plan come together. *grin* [Rincewind pulls out a cigar and bites down, grinning with his teeth] SEBASTIAN: Petty? Us? RINCEWIND: I made it quite clear in my encoded messages to the Federation BBS that you take this thing all far too seriously. But did you listen, did you remove the married flag, did you stop the spammy 'Coke' command. Shyeah, RIGHT, as if! KAIN: You think we want to do this? RINCEWIND: (Sarcasm dripping from every nuance) Ooooooooooooh, noooooooooooo. I don't think that at all. It's a duty isn't it? [Rincewind has added a message to the BBS 'Get a life'] [SCENE: USS Frontiers] POGO/PHOENIX: They are replying to our attacks (Not that they are attacks, simply our truthful point of view of course, no bias and absolutley no cover-ups or points of view hidden, honest), but they cannot harm us. We are safe from their foul blandishments. UNICORN: Yes, in our ivory tower of self-truth we are safe from harm. Simply add their messages to ours, increase our number of pages and continue to add our green text to their pages. Soon they will bow to our logic! [CUE: Frenzied typing by Pogo/Phoenix] [The text colours have been changed to protect the innocent] [As the objective observer's (and there are few enough about) perspective slips back to encompass the whole. We can picture two small banana republics, seperated by a small river. A disgruntled native who was thrown out of his original home on one side throws a fruit over the river, hitting (and slightly concussing) a native of the other side. Another native throws one back. Soon a positive deluge of fruit is raining down on both sides of the river, shelters and more powerful fruit-flingers are set up. The fruit changes to melons. And nothing has changed. Both sides still have the same amount of fruit, only now it's slightly bruised, doesn't taste as nice and a lot of effort has been expended.] [There's a moral there if you care to look for it]