******************************************************************************** * _ _ _ __ __ ___ ___ ___(TM) * * / \ __| |_ __ ___ (_)_ __ \ \ / /_ _ _ __ ___ |_ _|_ _|_ _|_ * * / _ \ / _` | '_ ` _ \| | '_ \ \ \ /\ / / _` | '__/ __| | | | | | |(_) * * / ___ \ (_| | | | | | | | | | | \ V V / (_| | | \__ \ | | | | | | _ * * /_/ \_\__,_|_| |_| |_|_|_| |_| \_/\_/ \__,_|_| |___/ |___|___|___(_) * * * * * * * * The Smell of Socks * * * * * * When one character's struggles to get the justice he (he believes he) * * deserves come full circle in a horrifying fusion of fantasy and parody. * ******************************************************************************** ,-------------------------------------------------------------. | Another attempt to cash in on the runaway success of | | | | "Admin Wars"(TM) and "Web Wars: Voyager"(TM) | `-------------------------------------------------------------' A Two Peneth Worth Production for Wizzard Enterprises (C) 1996 ============================================================== Written and Directed by Rincewind T. Wizzard Novelizations avaliable through UglyMUG Publishing Ltd. "... a masterpiece. Unlike most trilogies this 3rd installment is the best" Daftsod "There seems to be no end to this man's talents" The Guardian -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- TITLE: Admin Wars III: The Smell of Socks PLOT: Unicorn, tired with life as an outcast moves back into his old haunts and begins to stir up trouble in the idyllic neighbourhood. Soon there is bother and tempers begin to fray. Yet the plot takes a bizzare twist when Unicorn begins to smell something rotten... [SCENE: The Old Vic (formerly The Swan)] UNICORN: ... all I'm saying is that you're crap, your're crap and you, you're especially crap! And if you think setting me silent is going to solve your problems you've got another thing coming. DAFTSOD: Hmmm, let me get this straight; your entire argument lies on the quotient of faecies in each of the administrators on here? UNICORN: Well, yes, isn't that enough? I certainly think so. VALJEAN: Well, in a word, no. Now bugger off and be a good mortal. [UNICORN takes a deep breath] UNICORN: Admin abuse! Admin abuse! JC DIGITA: (floating down from on high) Oh do be quiet. [SCENE: The BBS Market-place] UNICORN: All I'm saying is that those socks smell! ANON-ADMIN: Look mate, these socks were fresh here today, we've always prided ourselves on providing the best socks in town. Our socks are the nicest, cleanest socks you will ever find, I know, I've worn all kinds of socks in my time. UNICORN: Yes, but the socks I sell are much better. They're cleaner, help you run faster and the design wasn't copied from a rival manufacturer. AND THEY DON'T SMELL! Now all I have to do is make them. I've been marketing them for months now, but I'm not sure exactly how you sew the niggly bits. DAFTSOD wanders up: (looks down at his socks) My socks appear to be fine, they keep me warm, they have less holes every time I put them on and they fit me perfectly. Oh, hello, you appear to be wearing the same brand as me. UNICORN: My pair don't fit very well, I can see loads of holes in them and they have a pungent odour. DAFTSOD: Perhaps it's not the socks that smell then but your cheesy feet! [UNICORN looks DAFTSOD straight in the eye and... BLAMM-O... right on the head!] DAFTSOD: (From the floor) I'll get you for that! [With a flourish DAFTSOD strips UNICORN of his socks and leaves him standing barefoot in the street.] DAFTSOD: (Running down the street) You can have them back in five hours! ANON-ADMIN: Yeah! Take your damned socks elswhere. [UNICORN takes a deep breath] UNICORN: Admin abuse! Admin abuse! JC DIGITA: (floating on a cloud above him) Oh do be quiet, I'm having a beer. [SCENE: UNICORN'S House] UNICORN: (Picking holes in his socks) Look, if I really, REALLY wiggle my finger in this tiny hole it get bigger and bigger until... oh, I've got a really big hole in my sock now. That's another one ruined, good job I've got some more! [UNICORN picks up his knitting needles and tries to make a few stitches to the scraps of material that are his new brand of socks] UNICORN: I know my socks will be better, I know, I know. And if I wish three times it will come true! PHOENIX: I wish I could help you with your socks but I'm busy advertising them. Will they be ready on time? UNICORN: Yeah yeah, sure sure. PHOENIX: Then why don't you take of that old pair of socks you've been wearing for months, I'm sure that's why your feet smell. UNICORN: They don't smell, it's everyone else's feet. You know what, I think it's that Mrs Meg across the road, she used to have really nice feet, now they smell too. [UNICORN begins sniffing his socks in a way remeniscent of The Naked Lunch as strange voices begin to make themselves known to UNICORN'S ears] VOICE-1: Unicorn, your socks hold the key to your success. VOICE-2: Sew the socks, sew the socks! VOICE-1: Only through clean socks will you find peace. VOICE-2: Sew the socks, sew the socks! VOICE-3: Euch! What's that smell? UNICORN: It's not my socks, it's someone else's, honest. VOICE-1: Nevermind that, we need your new socks as our old footwear has grown threadbare with age. Holes have appeared and we fear that we may lose our right to wear different colour socks forever unless a new brand is found. VOICE-2: Sew the so... bugger, wrong line. (Whisper to VOICE-1) Where are we up to? [Background mutterings between the voices] VOICE-2: Ahh yes... We are the silent majority that craves a new type of sock, you are the chosen one who must fulfil the dream. Fail, and we will be forever destined to wear the Socks of Doom! VOICE-3: Nice. VOICE-2: Like that? I ad libed it, I thought we needed more dramatic effect. VOICE-1: Amatuers, the agency said I'd be working with professionals, jeeez. [The voices fade from hearing, arguing over fees] UNICORN: I have been given as task! My socks are to be the salvation of the masses. Without me the residents of Strewth Street will be doomed to sock hell. [UNICORN stands and flings open the windows, bellowing into the quiet nighttime market-place] UNICORN: Repent of your old socks! Cast off your footwear and swear allegance to the new Order of Sock! Escape the damnation that awaits around the corner, your socks smell and will continue to smell unless you change them! VALJEAN: Put a sock in it, Unicorn! [AUDIENCE: Groan!] [UNICORN takes a deep breath] UNICORN: Admin abuse! Admin abuse! JC DIGITA: (Leaning over his cloud with an evil expression on his face) Oh do be quiet some of us are sewing socks up here. [SCENE: The BBS Marketplace (with thanks and apologies to Monty Python)] UNICORN: 'Ello, Miss? KURUPT: What do you mean "miss"? UNICORN: I'm sorry, I have a blocked nose. KURUPT: We're closed for complaints. UNICORN: How did you know I was hear to complain? KURUPT: I could smell your feet. UNICORN: Nevermind that my lad. I wish to complain about these socks which I used not one month ago in this very marketplace. KURUPT: Oh yes, the socks, what's wrong with them? UNICORN: I'll tell you what's wrong with them. They smell! KURUPT: No, no, it's uh, just absobed the natural odours of your feet. UNICORN: My feet do not smell! I know a smelly pair of socks when I were one and I'm wearing one right now. KURUPT: No no, they're not smelly, they're... breathing. Remarkable socks those, beautiful colours. UNICORN: The colours don't enter into it, they smell. KURUPT: Nononono, no, NO! They're adapting to your feet. UNICORN: All right then, if they don't smell I'll take them off! [UNICORN takes off his socks] UNICORN: Sniff them! [KURUPT sprays them with deoderant] KURUPT: See, they're fresh! UNICORN: That wasn't the original smell, you sprayed 'em! KURUPT: I never!! UNICORN: Yes, you did! KURUPT: I never did anything... UNICORN: (Sniffing the socks heavily) These smell, they smell... euch, pretty bad! [UNICORN waves the socks round his head and slaps them on the counter, leaving a dirty mark] UNICORN: Now that's what I call a smelly pair of socks. KURUPT: No, no... No, they're smelly now. UNICORN: Smelly NOW? KURUPT: You made 'em smell, wavin' them all over the marketplace like that, pick up all kinds of smells from other people. Easily pick up smells those socks. UNICORN: Look, I took the liberty of examining the socks when I got them home before putting them on and I discovered the only reason they were no smell was that they was nailed to a can of deoderant. KURUPT: Well of course it was nailed there. It I hadn't nailed them down they would have picked up all the smells from around town, been putrid and no-one would have bought them. As it is they smelled real fresh. UNICORN: Fresh? These socks wouldn't smell fresh if you washed them twice a day for a week! [Pause] KURUPT: Then why the hell are you still wearing them you tool! [UNICORN takes a deep breath] UNICORN: Admin abuse! Admin abuse! JC DIGITA: (Watching telly with his back to us. Turns to the observer) Look, piss off, I'm busy. [SCENE: UNICORN'S House] UNICORN: The people are against me, yet I will prevail. I will parade myself through the streets of the BBS Marketplace with my complains about socks written on sandwich boards. PHOENIX: We don't have any sandwich boards lover. UNICORN: (Spitting) Pah! (Ed. You know that's the first time I've ever seen that in print?) In that case I'll write it on my own body and run naked through the streets so that all can see the truth! [CUE: X-Files music and caption "The Truth Isn't Here"] UNICORN: (Scrawling as much as he can in black felt-tip) Can you write "Bollocks to the sock manufacturers" on my arse? PHOENIX: You are very strange my dear. UNICORN: You mean you didn't hear the voices? PHOENIX: (Looking carefully at UNICORN) Noooooooooooo, what voices might these be? UNICORN: *I* don't know - the voices just told me to create the perfect soocks for them to live in. I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. [CUE: JARRING CHORD] [FX: The door flies open and Cardinal Sebastian of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals] SEBASTIAN: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. [SEBASTIAN: Exit and exeunt] UNICORN: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. [CUE: JARRING CHORD] [The cardinals burst in] SEBASTIAN: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To a lesser red experienced builder) I can't say it - you'll have to say it. X-BULIDER: What? SEBASTIAN: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...' X-BUILDER: (Rather horrified) I couldn't do that... [SEBASTIAN bundles the cardinals outside again] UNICORN: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. [CUE: JARRING CHORD (again)] [The cardinals enter] X-BUILDER: Er.... Nobody...um.... SEBASTIAN: Expects... X-BUILDER: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um... SEBASTIAN: Inquisition. X-BUILDER: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect - SEBASTIAN: Our chief weapons are... X-BUILDER: Our chief weapons are...um...er... SEBASTIAN: Surprise... X-BUILDER: Surprise and -- SEBASTIAN: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges. GEARS: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church of Sock. X-BUILDER: That's enough. Now, how do you plead? UNICORN: Innocent, the voices made me do it. SEBASTIAN: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! [Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER'] X-BUILDER: We'll soon change your mind about that! [Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING'] SEBASTIAN: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack! [The X-BUILDER produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. SEBASTIAN looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger] SEBASTIAN: You....Right! Tie him down. [GEARS and the X-BUILDER make a pathetic attempt to tie him on to the drying rack] SEBASTIAN: Right! How do you plead? UNICORN: Innocent. SEBASTIAN: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn. [X-BUILDER stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders] X-BUILDER: I.... SEBASTIAN: (Gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake. X-BUILDER: I... SEBASTIAN: It makes it all seem so stupid. X-BUILDER: Shall I...? SEBASTIAN: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha! [X-BUILDER turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack] SEBASTIAN: Now -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by typed word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess? UNICORN: I don't understand, I was only trying to make a better sock for the voices... SEBASTIAN: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! X-BUILDER! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS! [CUE: JARRING CHORD] [The X-BUILDER holds out two ordinary modern household cushions] X-BUILDER: Here they are, lord. SEBASTIAN: Now, heretic -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the socks of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance. UNICORN: I'll never give up the Order of Sock. SEBASTIAN: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke him with the soft cushions! [The X-BUILDER carries out this rather pathetic torture] SEBASTIAN: Confess! Confess! Confess! X-BUILDER: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, lord. SEBASTIAN: Have you got all the stuffing up one end? X-BUILDER: Yes, lord. SEBASTIAN (angrily hurling away the cushions): Hm! He is made of harder stuff! Cardinal GEARS! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR! [CUE: JARRING CHORD] [FX: Zoom into GEARS's horrified face] GEARS (terrified): The...Comfy Chair? [CUE: X-BUILDER pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one] SEBASTIAN: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. X-BUILDER! Put him in the Comfy Chair! [FX: They roughly push him into the Comfy Chair] SEBASTIAN (with a cruel leer): Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until you decide to remove your socks. (aside, to X-BUILDER) Is that really all it is? X-BUILDER: Yes, lord. SEBASTIAN: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, man. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess! X-BUILDER: I confess! SEBASTIAN: Not you! [Exit SEBASTIAN and the Cardinals deep in argument] VOICE-1: Congratulations, you stood up to the final test, you are ready to transcend to a higher plane. VOICE-2: We, the silent Order of Sock deem you, Unicorn, to be of (enough) mind to enter Sockhalla where all manner of sock related regalia will be yours to festoon your feet with. VOICE-3: Did we say who got the last line yet? VOICE-2: Me wasn't it? VOICE-1: They always remember the last line, it should be me. VOICE-3: I think not. VOICE-1: I think so. VOICE-3: I beg to differ. VOICE-1: I'm sorry, I amd my boots beg to differ with you. VOICE-3: Oh _really_? You and who's army? [FX: Sounds of a good kicking in the background] VOICE-2: We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties. We'll get back to you as soon as they are sorted. Meanwhile, here is some music... [FX: Scratchy recording of male tenor singing opera] UNICORN: Hello? Erm, hello? Is there anyone there? Hello? Hello? The END -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-